MidLife Crisis
by The Absynth Fairy
Summary: Sirius and Remus need some help when it comes to matters in the bed department. Well... not Remus, but Sirius. He's decided that he's getting old, and inturn, feels inferior. Remus is concerned. They both go to Lily for advice. SLASH.
1. Sex And The Werewolf

**A/N**: I wanted to write a story about practical impotency. I tried to think of a pairing that would make the story more humorous than I'd originally wanted and immediately came up with Sirius and Remus, my usual pairing. And since they happen to be one of the cutest and most compatible (Maybe besides James and Sirius, or Remus and Severus... who aren't really that cute, but sort of compatible in my mind) couples I've ever written about, it made sense to write about the humorously negative aspects in their relationship. Which I thoroughly enjoyed. Please Read and Review, because this is going to be a chapter story again and I want to know if you want more. This is my first to-the-point R rating.  
  
**Disclaimer**: I don't own the various characters of Harry Potter, but J.K. Rowling does. I only want to borrow them for a short while. By the way, J.K., I'll pay for that dent I left in Lupin the last time, Sirius just got a little overzealous. Also, I do not own The Old Curiosity Shop, David Copperfield, or A Tale Of Two Cities. These and other novels were written by one Mr. Charles Dickens.  
  
**WARNING: THIS IS SLASH. THIS FIC CONTAINS SEXUAL ACTIVITIES BETWEEN TWO MEMBERS OF THE SAME GENDER. IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THIS CONCEPT OR THE "R" RATING ON THIS FIC, THEN PLEASE READ ONE THAT IS LESS OFFENSIVE THAN THIS ONE.  
**  
_Dedicated to all you sick puppies out there who love a good, gay, magical shag. Cheers!_

* * *

**MIDLIFE CRISIS  
**  
Chapter #1: **Sex And The Werewolf**  
  
_-Remus' Point Of View-  
_

The covers were cool as Remus slid into bed, draped modestly in a blue striped nightshirt and holding a hard-back copy of "A Tale Of Two Cities" a novel by one of the late authors Charles Dickens. Remus had been itching to get his hands on this book in a muggle bookstore ever since he'd read "The Old Curiosity Shop". He adored Charles Dickens after that novel, though "David Copperfield" was a bit difficult to read and he'd sworn not to pick up another Charles Dickens book as long as he lived, but "Old Curiosity Shop" sounded so good, and he couldn't help but read the first sentence, and then the sentence after that, and the sentence after that, and before he knew it, he'd finished the whole first chapter, and he hated to start books and never finish them, so he was forced to read the rest and, to his surprise, he liked it. So he was quite ready for his next installment, and that would begin tonight.  
  
Remus, now settled comfortably with his book opened in his lap, reached for his spectacles on his bedside table.  
  
_-Sirius' Point of View-  
_  
Sirius spat. He hated the taste of toothpaste. It was bitter, intense, like gargling saltwater and vinegar. Made him want to vomit.  
  
The bitter mint taste still clung to his tongue and he winced just a little, looking testily into the bathroom mirror.  
  
...  
  
Was that... a wrinkle?  
  
...  
  
Was this just a figment of his imagination, or was that a strand of gray hair?  
  
...  
  
Was that just a figment of his imagination, or was that just –two- gray hairs?  
  
Merlin. He was getting old. He realized this. He was aging. His mortality had finally caught up with him. The big, hulking black dog of fate was nipping at his heels. He was getting old. This, of course, went down with a spoon full of salt.  
  
He desperately searched for a fact that would contradict his fears, assure him of his still vibrant youth.  
  
Well... he still had a hairline that was perfectly intact. He still had that fair skin, stretched attractively across the contours of his face, and he still had his lithe, athletic body. He had his muscles, still, and his stomach was still flat as a board and just as hard, and with that came his strength and stamina. He still had energy. Who cares about a few wrinkles? And two gray hairs can't ruin a perfect mane of ebony hair. It's not like he was going to break a hip, or anything.  
  
Sirius smiled. He was worried about nothing at all, just a wrinkle (which was damned near invisible, so it might as well not even have existed in the first place, he thought happily), and a few gray hairs. Nothing to worry about, that is, unless everyone started to carry magnifying glasses on their person at all times. In that case, Sirius might've been considered middle aged, but nothing so drastic as old.  
  
His grin grew wider. He still had it.  
  
'_But, wait_,' nagged that sinister voice in his head, the voice of Doubt, the personification the Inner Demon, '_there is one thing that you declined to ponder, Doggie-Boy'_.  
  
Sirius' grin grew a little weak. That voice was right. He'd forgotten to consider one thing, and one thing only.  
  
His sex life.  
  
That's what he'd forgotten. His sex life.  
  
His grin grew wider. Well, that was certainly nothing to worry about.  
  
...  
  
Right?  
  
'_No, no, no, Puppy_,' taunted The Voice. '_Think about it, please. How good are you and Remus in the sack, hmm? Is HE at least satisfied_?'  
  
Well, Sirius thought, The Voice DID have a point. He and Remus had at least been... adequate in their lovemaking. It wasn't exactly as mind blowing and sensational as it was when they were in the first steps of their sexual relationship and their newfound sexual appetites were now free to trot over any line of chastity they desired to. Well, of course, they were sixteen, and dealing with raging hormones and insatiable appetites for well, naughty things.  
  
'_Sex._' Corrected The Voice.  
  
Sirius frowned. He and Remus could have shagged for DAYS, having that sort of libido. It would only make sense if their appetites... well... lessened over their many years of being together as an official couple.  
  
'_Not so confident, are you, now, Siri?_' The Voice cackled.  
  
This "Voice" was getting very irritating, Sirius thought bitterly. So the sex wasn't so absolutely breathtaking. He and Remus still coupled every night.  
  
Well, Sirius thought, feeling as though he were shrinking, at least they coupled every other night.  
  
Every week.  
  
Okay, it was every _week_.  
  
But they still had a sex life.  
  
A... remnant... of a sex life.  
  
Well, he COULD dwell on the past at least.  
  
... right?  
  
Once again, their sex was nothing compared to the sex they'd had when they were younger. He and Remus couldn't resist each other. If they ever felt the need to shag, they'd do it in the nearest place acceptable. That meant the nearest bed, toilet, dresser, table, hall, shower, floor, counter top, windowsill, car seat, bookshelf, and couch. In fact, they shagged on just about everything but the kitchen sink. Well... he couldn't say that. There WAS that one time on Christmas Eve in Remus' mother's kitchen...  
  
But, point blank, their sex life just didn't have... well... _it_, he guessed.  
  
Sirius frowned, leaning his head against the mirror.  
  
-_Remus' Point Of View_-  
  
'_It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..._' Remus began silently as Sirius walked into the bedroom, shutting the lavatory door behind him. He didn't care to look up as Sirius slipped into bed beside him.  
  
-_Sirius' Point Of View_-  
  
Sirius blinked. Remus didn't even look up. Well...  
  
Sirius decided to take another course of action.  
  
Maybe if he and Remus...  
  
But he had to get his attention first. Oh, what a wearisome night this would be.  
  
Sirius moistened his lips with his tongue and slid the coverlet down to his naked waist, supporting himself on his elbow.  
  
He looked up. No reaction. None whatsoever.  
  
Well, he'd obviously have to try harder.  
  
He wriggled his hips a little, pretending to get himself comfortable. He concluded that maybe a little movement would get Remus' attention.  
  
He looked up at Remus, almost pleadingly. No reaction.  
  
He wriggled his hips again.  
  
He looked up.  
  
...  
  
There was yet to be an existing reaction. Remus was clearly –very- occupied with his evening reading. Sirius glanced up at the emerald green cover, at the gilded scrawl that was the title.  
  
... _A Tale Of Two Cities_?  
  
That was it?!  
  
A little Muggle fiction novel was distracting his werewolf SO badly that not even a little hip-wriggling or throat-clearing or bed-slipping would so much as VEER his attentions toward something that ever more exciting than words on a page?  
  
That just meant that Sirius would have to try harder. After all, his hard work would be well rewarded, right?  
  
He was getting a bit impatient, so he coughed quite loudly, then wriggled his hips, then coughed again, as loud as he could.  
  
Sirius looked up.  
  
Lo and Behold, there was a reaction! Well, there might be a God after all.  
  
-_Remus' Point Of View_-  
  
Remus looked up from his book, eyebrows raised, spectacles lowered. "Need something, Sirius?" He asked calmly.  
  
Sirius smiled sweetly. "Oh, nothing..." There was something quite strange about that smile. Remus, having YEARS of experience with one Mr. Sirius Black, knew just what that smile meant.  
  
Remus gave him a reproachful glance and continued with his book.  
  
What? Did you expect him to do anything about it?  
  
Well, Remus was expecting at least 30 minutes of some good evening reading, and after that some well-deserved sleep.  
  
However, what he was not expecting was for a certain Mr. Sirius Black to pounce on him and lock his lips to his.  
  
-_Sirius' Point Of View_-  
  
"Ow... ow, Sirius, your elbow is in my... _ohhh_... Mmmhmmmph... ohhh— Owww, Sirius, I lost pla—." Gasp, "_Mmmm_... Oh, _Siri_— Ow! Here... let me take my glasses off firs— Ow! That hurts!"  
  
Sirius rolled off Remus immediately. He groaned. "Ahhh, this isn't going to work." He shielded his eyes dramatically with the back of his hand. All hope... lost.  
  
"Well..." Remus added helpfully. "It was certainly, uhhh.... Spontaneous of you."  
  
"Well, that was the point, love" Sirius added icily.  
  
Remus looked away thoughtfully, his hair mussed, his nightshirt rumpled with the first button undone.  
  
Then he looked back up, smiling triumphantly.  
  
Sirius' eyes widened. Maybe hope isn't lost after all.  
  
"You know, we could try _again_..." Remus said suggestively, leaning towards Sirius, unbuttoning the next three buttons of his nightshirt.  
  
Not a half of a second passed before they were kissing again.  
  
"Mmhmm, _Sirius_..." Lupin moaned as Sirius slid his hands into his hair. Suddenly Remus tried to pull away. "Sirius, you're pulling my _hair_."  
  
Sirius disentangled himself from his –darling- werewolf and let out an exasperated sigh. "So my prophecy was true." He said gloomily. "I am destined to become a sexless old man."  
  
"Sirius, you're only thirty."  
  
"Ahhh, don't rub it in, Rem!"  
  
"Sirius, thirty isn't really that old."  
  
"Says who?"  
  
"That's honestly immature."  
  
"Well, at least ONE part of me is still vibrant in youth."  
  
"_Honestly_, Sirius..."  
  
"Alright, I challenge you to name one part of me that is _still_ young!"  
  
"Well..." Remus looked up thoughtfully. "You still have nice hair, I mean, I can't see any gray in it, and you still have a wonderful, youthful hairline..."  
  
"And...?"  
  
"And you're still pretty energetic."  
  
"And...?"  
  
"Well, you still have that..." Remus giggled. "Really nice body."  
  
"_And_...?"  
  
"And... well... and... Oh, Sirius, quit acting so childish, you're just fine!" Remus snapped.  
  
"What about my skills as a lover?!"  
  
There was a long pause.  
  
-_Remus' Point Of View_-  
  
Remus bit his lip. "I... beg your pardon?"  
  
"What do you think about my skills as a lover?" Sirius said this slowly, as if he thought Remus couldn't understand.  
  
Remus' first reaction was anger. How could Sirius underestimate him like that? HE PERFECTLY UNDERSTOOD! Remus shook himself lightly. No need to get angry. Best to answer the question.  
  
He shrugged. "It's okay..."  
  
Sirius groaned loudly and rolled over, his head buried beneath his pillow.  
  
"No..." Remus protested, desperately attempting to find a better comment. "That's not what I meant at all! I meant—." He stopped in mid sentence. He smiled, and leaned over to stroke Sirius' shoulder blades with his fingertips, kissing the nape of his neck (A most sensitive place on a man's body, Remus once read in a Sexual Health book he'd found lying about.) softly. "You're a wonderful lover, Sirius..." He said in his greatest attempt at a seductive voice, placing another soft kiss a few inches lower, between the shoulder blades. "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you make love to me." He placed another soft kiss a few inches lower, lips pressed curtly to the ridges of Sirius' spine (Another most sensitive area, said the text of the Sexual Health book. And books rarely lie, mind you.) "Not at all."  
  
Sirius peeked out from the nether parts of the pillow. "Is that the truth?"  
  
How could Remus lie to a pair of hazel eyes like that? No, he was not lying. He was just helpfully exaggerating, in which there is a great bit of difference. Bit of exaggeration never hurt anyone, the werewolf mused silently, loads better than lying. Remus contained a wince. How he hated fibs. But this one would help. He loved Sirius more than anything and it was a bit difficult to watch him go through his midlife crisis. The only thing his fibbing could do was help to make the situation better itself. After all, he was happy with the relationship... right?  
  
Oh, of COURSE he bloody was.  
  
"Now why would I lie?" Remus said, eyebrows raised.  
  
Sirius blinked, supporting himself on his elbow again. "To reassure me of my manhood and capabilities as a sex partner."  
  
Remus gulped. Oh, one fib adds to another, which adds to another, which adds to another. He instantly regretted fibbing in the beginning. "Well, I'd lie about that, but I'm not lying now." He said quickly.  
  
"Well how am I to know the difference?" Sirius said testily.  
  
Remus paused. There was only one solution. He held his breath, then plunged into it head first without hesitation.  
  
"Just shut up and make love to me."  
  
-_Sirius' Point Of View_-  
  
Sirius blinked. What?  
  
There was a short pause before Remus started in again. "This is no time to be inferior, Sirius."  
  
He wearily lifted the pillow from his head and looked up at Remus. "You really so sure you want an old man inside you, love?"  
  
"Just shut your mouth and let me kiss you."  
  
He decided he liked this Remus better.  
  
-_Remus' Point Of View_-  
  
They were kissing again, rapidly and with as much zeal and bombast as they could stand. Remus struggled out of his nightshirt and vaguely worried if he'd split a seam, or broke a button off. With one stray hand on his inner thigh, all thoughts of lost buttons and torn nightshirts were lost in a haze of "_Do me, do me, do me_," and all other vague sexual references that were clouding his mind.  
  
This, however, did not last long.  
  
-_Sirius' Point Of View_-  
  
Sirius broke away. "Wait, wait, wait, Remus."  
  
Remus was panting. "What, Siri, what?" He said breathlessly, eyes dark and glinting.  
  
Sirius looked down. "Well... I was thinking—."  
  
"You were _thinking_? I find it _hard_ to _think_ when I'm _groping_ _an erection_ and have my _tongue shoved halfway down_ someone's bloody _throat_!"  
  
Sirius grunted in frustration. "That's not it! It's just... it's been on my mind more than I would have liked, and I was wondering... well... was there anything in particular that I did to you back then in bed that I don't do now?"  
  
Remus paused. "Well.... There was that time when you... stripped us both naked and—." Remus looked up, eyes slightly glazed over. "— You came up behind me and reached around my waist to stroke my—."  
  
Sirius interrupted him with a loud groan. "So that DOES mean I'm a terrible lover, now!"  
  
"Sirius, don't say that!"

* * *

Well, let me know if you want more. More chapters to come.  
  
- The Absynth Fairy 


	2. Talk Sex With Dr Lily Potter

**A/N**: Okay, the only thing you need to know about this chapter is the fact that Lily is happily expecting a baby boy and this story takes place after their marriage. Also, I have gotten the ages wrong. **I would like to thank () Rabid Fangirl for clearing that up for me**. I don't know if I could change the whole tale around, but I WOULD like to make a point that I'll carry throughout the story: Sirius is worried about aging, and is having hallucinations**. I'll try to tie it all up in the end, and maybe add something really unexpected, but, to reward you Rabid Fangirl, I'll do something with that Ron and Harry idea in later chapters**. Trust me, if I think, I find a way to do it. Ideas are swimming around in my brain at this very moment. Again, thanks for this advice, I'll try to be a bit more politically correct, not only to please you all, but to please the little anal-retentive gay man inside me.

_Also, this chapter was partly based on a television show on Oxygen (American television network for women) called **The Sunday Night Sex Show with Dr. Sue Johansen** (I'm sure you know what I'm talking about). I thought it would be fun to put Lily in that position._

**Disclaimer**: I do not own The Sunday Night Sex Show or Sue Johansen, nor do I own Harry Potter. But I DO own a computer, a television, and the gift of literacy. Yay for me!

**WARNING: THIS STORY HAS LARGE AMOUNTS OF HOMOSEXUAL CONTENT. IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT THIS, THEN LEAVE.**

_Dedicated to those poor souls who read my stuff._

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**Chapter #2: Talk Sex With Dr. Lily Potter**

"Lily! Lily Potter!"

Lily gasped and whirled around, green eyes darting to the charred stone of her hearth, the source of the sudden racket. Who could be calling her at this time of evening? Hopefully it wasn't anything horrible...

Her eyes fell upon a shaggy head of dark hair and a pair of pleading hazel eyes staring up at her. "Sirius, is that you?" She murmured, walking quickly to the hearth where she would at once kneel, hands supporting her distended belly so as not to harm the child within.

"Sirius, this is truly unexpected..." She squealed upon directly viewing Sirius' face writhing in blue flames. However, that smile was short lived. Yes, yes something must be gravely wrong, she thought grimly. "Sirius... what is it?" She asked.

Sirius took the opportunity to gulp. "Lily..." Lily strained her ears. Something terrible, she knew it was something terrible, intuition told her so, she had to brace herself. "I... I need to tell you something..." Sirius said gravely, pausing for affect.

Lily's eyebrows knitted together in anticipation, her heart thudding, her face growing warm with panic. Please don't let it be a death, please.

"It's... It's about..."

About what?

WHAT?!

"It's about... Remus."

Oh, God, no, God, what was it, what was it? Is he missing an arm? Did he kill someone? Has someone hunted him? The Deatheaters? Oh, please, don't let it be anything that horrible!

Lily swallowed harshly. "What about Remus?"

"Well..."

Lily held her breath.

"It'saboutoursexlife."

Lily's eyes widened. Oh, GOD NO! POOR REMUS!

Wait... did she hear 'sex' and 'life' in that sentence?

She cleared her throat. "Wh-what?"

"It's about... our seshmife."

"What?"

"Sex life, Lily, our bloody SEXLIFE!"

Lily blinked.

Oh.

_Oh_.

OH!

Well... well... that was... that was... incredibly relieving... and...

Well...

Riotously funny.

Bloody HILARIOUS, even!

****

**Sirius' Point Of View**

Sirius felt his face grow hotter and hotter.

Was Lily... laughing?

_Yes, yes she is_, said The Voice matter-of-factly.

Sirius narrowed his eyes.

Lily was covering her mouth with her hand, giggling fitfully and arching forward, her hair moving to conceal her face, which was growing pinker and pinker by the second.

Sirius tried in vain to loosen his collar, clearing his throat noisily. It seemed as though he was losing his ability to gain people's attention, also. He groaned.

_Oh, yes_, said The Voice gleefully, _you're withering, you fine flower you. Can't stay in bloom forever, you know_.

Once again, Sirius cleared his throat in a vain attempt to get Lily's attention.

No such luck.

"If you're done laughing your pregnant arse off, I'd like to talk to you!" He shouted testily.

Lily, while still trying to regain her composure, attempted to stifle a few giggles with her hand. "Al- hahaha- alright then..." She snorted, leaning herself limply against the wall of the fireplace, swallowing deep gulps of air.

**Lily's Point Of View**

It had been two minutes since Sirius had politely knocked on her front door, and one minute since she'd let him in, led him to a chair, and started a kettle of tea. After her laughing fit, Sirius had confided in her his problem, and she'd suggested that they'd discuss it further over tea. Sirius accepted the invitation and here they were, sitting politely across from each other, smiling politely as the tea boiled on the stove.

Well, needless to say, Lily was growing weary of holding that sweet smile in place. She'd found it difficult to act proper in the presence of such a burden of a discussion. Finally, she let it out.

"Okay, Sirius, give me the dirt, I wanna know how the sex is, and don't skip on the details, I don't like a vague story."

"Well, um...." Obviously Sirius wasn't good at this girl-talk thing.

"Sirius..." Lily said, suddenly all business, "Just tell me frankly, spit it out."

"Well, Lil... d-do you remember how Remus and I were when our relationship started?"

"Well, James and I have walked in on you numerous times while you were shagging, and you never forget a good walk-in, now do you?"

"Well, um, yes, I suppose..."

"Get on with it, then, how's the sex?"

"I'm getting to that! It's just..." Sirius squirmed uncomfortably in his chair. "It's just, well.... D'you remember how we'd touch each other in public?"

"We've seen you molest each other in public countless times. In fact, I do remember you did it at that Order gathering and you two ended up going to the lavatory together and we heard strange noises—."

"Well, yes there was that," Sirius interrupted quickly, "But do we do that anymore?"

"No, not that I've seen."

"Well, there you go."

Lily blinked. "You mean you can't molest each other in public anymore? Well, then again, with those Public Indecency laws parliament has out, now, I do suppose you'd be afraid to, but that's honestly not a reaso—."

"No, no, not that, Lil!" Sirius shouted. "Well..." He said thoughtfully, "Maybe that's part of the case, but there's a different matter to discuss."

"So you can't get it up anymore?"

Sirius jumped spasmodically and hit the table with his knee.

"NOABSOLUTELYNOTI'MPERFECTLYPOTENTWHATEVERGAVEYOUTHATOBSURDIDIA?!"

Suddenly the kettle started to whistle. Lily jumped. "Ah, the tea's done!"

(5 Minutes Later)

Lily stirred her tea delicately. "Your knee still hurting, Sirius?"

"I'm perfectly potent..."

"Sirius, I—."

"POTENT, I tell you!"

Lily made a mental note never to question a man's potency during conversation. "Sirius, fine, you're potent, now continue on with your tale, or I'll start charging you two pounds a minute, go on." She sipped her tea quietly.

Sirius recovered quite quickly. "Well, Lil, frankly, I don't think it's a good as it used to be."

"What?"

"Haven't you been listening to me?"

"What's not as good as it used to be?" Watch him squirm, Lily thought, concealing a small smile behind the rim of her tea cup.

Sirius looked nervously from side to side. "You know what it is, Lil..." He mumbled.

"Oh no, I don't..."

Sirius looked from side-to-side again, then leaned forward, his voice dropping to a whisper, "The sex."

"_Oh_, the sex..." Lily said, deliberately raising her voice, which practically filled the ever-hushed dining room, empty save for two people. One a very nervous, troubled man, and the other a very frustrated lady, who was considering the two-pound fee at this very moment.

Sirius hit the table spasmodically again, rattling china amongst other things. "D'you want the whole of Godric's Hollow to hear about my personal problems?!"

"Sirius, don't be absurd. No one heard me. Now continue talking, I'm considering the Two-Pound-A-Minute fee as we speak." Lily said cheerfully, stirring her tea.

"I've lost my concentration."

"Well, then I have a question for you, then."

"And that would be?" Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Well..." Lily said, stirring her tea carefully. "From what I gather... You're having problems with your sex life. It's not so great as it was. Am I correct?"

"Naturally..."

"D'you think you're getting old, Siri?"

"Quite old."

"D'you wish you could go back?"

"Doesn't everyone?"

"That's it!" Lily shouted triumphantly, slamming her spoon down on the table. "Sirius, you're panicking, and you've tricked yourself into thinking you're going through your mid-life crisis."

"My mid-life what?"

"Mid-life Crisis. It's when you feel as though you've gotten too old, and you struggle to regain your youth."

"But I'm only thirty..."

"Now that you agree, that's correct. You don't have your mid-life crisis at thirty. The only problem is that you think you're too old."

"How can I trick myself into seeing a wrinkle and two gray hairs?!"

"It was either an eyelash and a trick of the light, or a hallucination."

Sirius didn't look entertained.

"Look, look, look," Said Lily confidently. "What you are going through is a sexual slump. You've either lost the desire to have sex as frequently as you did, or you feel too inferior to do it. My guess is that it's a mixture of both."

Once again, Sirius looked anything but enlightened.

"The problem is, you've run out of new things to do. You and Remus have settled into the relationship. Personally, I think Remus feels fulfilled without the sex, but that's really not the point. Yes, you've fallen into a sexual slump. And to solve this problem, I need you to answer a question."

"Yessss?" Sirius answered through clenched teeth.

"Did you ever do anything during sex that really turned Remus on?"

Sirius' cheeks reddened and he loosened his collar. "Ummm... well, Remus keeps raving about that night that I stripped us both naked—"

Lily's eyes widened.

"— and I came up behind him and reached around his waist to stroke his—."

"That's it!" Lily suddenly shouted. "You need to do exactly that! Find out what really turns Remus on."

"Remus told me that merely being with me turns him on, though."

"Quite frankly, my dear, he is most likely lying...."

"And why, pray tell, would he do that?!"

"To reassure you of your manhood and capabilities as a sex partner." Lily said simply, sipping her lukewarm tea delicately.

"Well...."

"Anyway," Lily interrupted. "You can't just hump each other and expect mind blowing results, Sirius, it just doesn't work that way."

Sirius knitted his eyebrows together and cast his gaze downward. "But we did that before and it was incredible."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "In exactly what context?"

* * *

_Eeeeeeeh, this is a little after note. There are going to be more chapters than expected, and I hope that makes someone happy. I've been distracted recently by web-strip called Boy Meets Boy by K Sandra Fuhr. Some of my work in later chapters will bi influenced by that._

_The Absynth Fairy_


	3. Have You Counted The Number Of Times You...

**A/N**: Great to be amongst the world of the living! I've been reading and re-reading a book called Good Omens, by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett recently, and I will probably use it as an inspiration to this chapter and the others after. Also, I've been listening to a mind-numbing mixture of Rufus Wainwright and Nine Inch Nails (Trent Reznor and Rufus should have babies together...), so it's bound to have SOME effect, right?

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters synonymous with Harry Potter.

**WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS MUCH _HOMOSEXUALITY_, BECAUSE IT VERY MUCH IS _SLASH_, WHICH CONTAINS _HOMOSEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN MEMBERS OF THE SAME SEX_. THIS ALSO MAY BE VERY _GRAPHIC_ WHEN IT COMES TO _SEXUAL SITUATIONS_, SO IF YOU ARE NOT TOO KEEN ON GRAPHIC SEXUALITY, OR HOMOSEXUALITY, PLEASE READ SOMETHING THAT IS NOT SO OFFENSIVE. THANK YOU.**

_Dedicated to everyone who's read my stuff so far and is continuing to read, and also to the people who have helped me in the process, including the people who critiqued me, because I will be making changes in later chapters soon. Love you all dearly, because I'm, lonely!_

**

* * *

**

**Chapter #3: Have You Counted The Number Of Times You've Stirred Your Tea, Lily?**

"I beg your pardon?" Sirius said, raising one fine ebony eyebrow.

"Well, why did it turn you on?" Lily asked, a trifle impatient, as she stirred her tea. She vaguely thought that there must be a point in time where you've stirred your tea too much, and that she'd passed that particular point ten minutes ago. Her attentions were directed back toward Sirius when he started to answer her question.

"Well," Sirius said, twirling a lock of dark hair around his finger. "It's hard to say, I mean, we've done it so many times, it's all sort of bled together. I think we once made love in a broom closet at Remus' mother's house... and then we... I think we did it in a wardrobe at Hogwarts in the teacher's lounge in seventh year, a few weeks before the term ended, on the floor of my apartment after my row with the other Blacks, and then plenty of times on the kitchen countertop, a couple of times on the dining room table, three times on the coffee table in the living room..."

Lily raised her eyebrows. If her intuition was correct, which it mostly was, that was the coffee table Remus gave to their good friend Peter a month ago before he and Sirius had purchased a new one. Well, she mused, at least it's properly christened, and she continued to listen to Sirius.

By now, Sirius had started counting on his fingers. "I do remember that when we moved into our current residence, we shagged on the empty den floor. Plenty of times in the shower, on our couch, millions of times in bed, and I do believe in the chair Remus and I gave from our old apartment. In fact, it may be the one you're sitting in..."

Lily looked down, suddenly, and blinked. She immediately flew out of her chair with a squeak, her hand over her mouth.

"Anything wrong, Lil?" Sirius asked, sipping his tea quietly.

Immediately, Lily grabbed a large wash-clothe, without Sirius' noticing, of course, and placed it over the seat of her chair. "Oh, nothing, Sirius..." She said sweetly as she sat down. "Just thought I heard a mouse, that's all, really, it is." She smiled weakly.

Sirius looked up. "Should I continue?"

Lily shook her head. "Well no wonder you're spent, Sirius. You shag that much, you're liable to take an eye out or something."

Sirius looked down guiltily.

**Sirius' Point Of View**

"But there's still hope." Lily said pointedly.

"And how, pray tell, is that?" Sirius leaned in on one elbow.

"Well..." Lily began, a knowing smile spread across her face.

_

* * *

_

_Eh, yes. This chapter is relatively short. But another is coming much sooner, and that might be short as well, but there will be a much longer one after that, believe me. Just finished Good Omens. I might write slash. Aziraphale and Crowley seriously need to.... But I shouldn't let my mind wander..._

_- The Absynth Fairy_


	4. The Werewolf's Out Of The Bag

**A/N**: I said it wouldn't be long. You can trust me, dammit.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Harry Potter. I own a block of Swedish cheese, a lock of Trent Reznor's hair, and Want One by Rufus Wainwright.

**WARNING: THIS IS SLASH. IT INVOLVES RELATIONSHIPS OF A GRAPHIC NATURE BETWEEN TWO MEMBERS OF THE SAME SEX. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.**

_Dedicated to all the sick fucktards like myself who enjoy the thought of a werewolf and an escaped convict shagging each other senseless. Cheers!_

**

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**

**Chapter #4: The Werewolf's Out Of The Bag**

Lily waved as Sirius sauntered out the door.

Just as she shut the door behind her, she heard a small snapping sound emitting from the hearth.

Questioningly, she approached the fireplace, raising her eyebrows at the sight of Remus' head amidst the dancing flames.

"It's been such a long time since I've seen you, Rem!" Said Lily smiling. She knelt down and swept her cherry hair out of her face. "What have you been up to, this evening?"

Remus frowned. "Well, I'm in a bit of a jam."

"Oh, really..." Lily tried to sound surprised.

"Afraid so." Remus bit his lip. "You see... Sirius isn't quite convinced of his ... um... well... manhood, shall we say, at the moment."

"Problems in bed, eh?" Lily supressed a laugh.

Remus nodded grimly. "Sirius is disappointed in his skills in... um... bed, tried talking to him last night about it, and I even did what the sexual health book said-." (Lily raised an eyebrow)—", but he's still convinced he's the most horrible lover on the planet. Thinks he's going through a midlife crisis, you know?"

"Oh, I know all too well." At least Remus wasn't afraid to share.

"I really need a way to bring him out of the limbo; I need to assure him that his –love- skills are as good as they were ten years ago, if not, better."

Lily looked up pensively. "Well... that's a problem... Uh... is there anything Sirius did that really turned you on?"

Remus smiled. "Well, there was that one night he stripped us both down, and then came up behind me and reached around so he could stroke my—."

Suddenly there was the loud clanging of a clock coming from Remus' end of the line. Remus looked up. "Oh, dear, the clock wasn't wound last night... anyway, Lil, I need help, but Sirius is coming back from the market and I have to make tea."

Lily smiled. "Well, if all else fails, you could always put aphrodisiacs in the tea."

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Very, very short chapter. Don't worry, though, I'll get a much longer one up!

-The Absynth Fairy


	5. Instant Pleasure

**A/N**: I'm back, my little bacon bits!

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Harry Potter. And I do not own the Thigh Master, so don't ask. The title to this chapter is a song by Rufus Wainwright, so I do not own. Give full credit of the title to Rufie-kins and full credit of creative use to me or my gay little muse (Graham Norton).

**WARNING: IF YOU HAVEN'T CAUGHT ON NOW, YOU SHOULD JUST LEAVE**.

_Dedicated to: My sexy, sexy reviewers. Rawwwr. _

Also, if you just happen to see # or any other type of strange symbol, it is used as a star note. If a certain word or phrase has that symbol, there is a note at the end of the fic that refers to it.

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**Chapter # 5: Instant Pleasure**

Remus watched the teakettle from his vantage point at the table wearily, his head resting limply on his propped up arm.

It had been at least five minutes since he'd last spoken with Lily and put the tea on the stove. It had been exactly four minutes since he'd decided not to put aphrodisiacs in the tea. It had been precisely three minutes before he'd plopped down in one of the wooden chairs sitting primly at the table. It had been two minutes since he'd lost composure and slid down to rest his head on his propped-up arm. It had been one minute since he'd decided to track the time.

He sighed.

The prospect of lacing the tea with aphrodisiacs sounded very, very inviting.

Remus smiled, rising from his chair with a purpose.

**_Sirius' Point Of View _**

Sirius sauntered excitedly through the front door, walking out over the empty sitting room, void of life, but not lacking in a healthy clutter of shabby furniture. He frowned a little. Might need a new coffee table, he thought, or maybe a nice colorful throw rug to throw off the dankness of the dark-colored walls.

Wait...

What the bloody Hell was he doing, thinking about sitting room enhancement when he had a perfectly desirable werewolf to seduce in the kitchen?

He sniffed like an old hound and caught the scent of fresh boiling tea wafting in from the kitchen. He smiled broadly.

The perfectly desirable werewolf in question was standing over the stove, tending to a kettle of tea.

Sirius leant against the doorframe for a moment, breathing in the sweet aroma of herbs and tealeaves before proceeding to his lover and placing a suave kiss on the pale curve of his cheek from behind, the scent of the herbal tea growing much stronger. Be damned if that tea was different in a certain way, but he couldn't quite place it.

"Hello, love," Sirius purred into Remus' ear, wrapping his arms around the werewolf's tiny little waist.

Remus stirred the tea quietly and smiled to himself. "Back already, dear?" He looked up at Sirius happily.

"Oh, how could you possibly guess?" Sirius kissed Lupin's ear softly.

"Call it helpful intuition, darling." Remus said, still tending to the tea. "What's in the bag, Sirius?" He asked quite suddenly.

Sirius' attention was drawn back abruptly to the brown paper bag clutched in his hand. He'd forgotten all about it as soon as he'd hit his doorstep.

"Oh, nothing..." Sirius said nonchalantly. After he'd left the Potters', he'd taken the liberty of stopping at the local muggle grocery store and purchased a bit of Remus' natural aphrodisiac: Chocolate.

Sirius smiled secretly. If this didn't get Remus in the mood to shag until his pelvic bones turned into a fine powder, then their relationship would be quite doomed indeed. After all, chocolate had always worked before.

Sirius' smile grew into a wild grin as the memory his gift to his lover on his twentieth birthday came back to him. It was a fairly inexpensive box of chocolate truffles and a very shiny and expensive-looking bottle of pink champagne. The activities that had ensued that very night were nothing short of euphoric.

And then there was the year before when he'd surprised his lovely Remus with a box of chocolate covered cherries one warm and cozy December evening. No matter how much Sirius bathed after that night, there were still certain areas of his body that remained slightly sticky for days.

And not to mention the time he'd just happened upon a can chocolate-flavored whipped cream at the grocery department. He'd bought it along with the ingredients to that night's supper# and brought it home to Remus in good humor and amusement. The night (and some parts of the morning) turned out to be more than amusing for the both of them. Sirius vaguely recalled that the sheets on their bed had to be stripped and quarantined the day after. Even after that, the stickiness was still an issue.

In fact, chocolate had been the very start of their relationship. Chocolate had inspired their first kiss#. And it was after sharing a box of chocolate covered strawberries that they'd had their first snog together. And it was with a bottle of chocolate sauce and a clever silencing spell that they'd both lost their virginity#.

Not to forget, it was after a shared piece of chocolate cake that Sirius had proposed to Remus

Point blank, if it weren't for chocolate there might not have been a relationship at all.

If this didn't work, than Sirius would probably have to cut off his—

The tea kettle whistled loudly and Sirius' head shot up.

"Tea's done!" Remus said briskly, and he lifted the kettle off the burner.

-----

# You would assume that the ingredients would have been used, but due to the event of the can of chocolate-flavored whipped cream, they skipped dinner and went straight for the desert.

## Again, the stickiness was an issue.

### Or at least Remus had. And by now the stickiness had become a necessity.

####The stickiness was not an issue at that particular moment, but Sirius was starting to miss it.

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_Wow. This was quick. Wasn't as long as I thought, but I promise! Ah, so I got a little _Good Omens_ friendly with this one. Someone might like it, I know I most certainly do. Something tells me I should really start writing_ Good Omens _slash. Mmmmm. Crowley, Aziraphale, and a bottle of Yoo Hoo. One can dream..._

_-The Absynth Fairy_


	6. You Pick A Naughty Word, Then A Funny Li...

**A/N**: My new favorite word is aphrodisiac.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Harry Potter, but I do own this nifty little album called Want One by Rufus Wainwright. I'm beaming!

**WARNING: IF YOU'VE MADE IT THIS FAR THERE'S NO SENSE IN TELLING YOU, IS THERE?**

_Dedicated to: My reviewers. SEXY BEAST!_

**Once again, there are footnotes, but since doesn't let us use asterisks (Those star thingies, I'm just excited that I learned the correct word!), they will be marked by #'s.**

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**Chapter #6: You Pick a Naughty Word, Add a Clever Phrase To Go With It, And That's The Title.**

They were both sitting at the table, Sirius wagging his now nonexistent tail, and Remus pouring tea.

Sirius sniffed at the contents of his cup delicately. He couldn't quite place the... extra-ness... about it. He half-shrugged. Must have been a new medicinal herb, or something. After all, Remus had a habit of make evening tea... well... exciting.

And by no means was that a sexual reference, thank you.

He recalled once that Remus had tried powdered octopus tentacles. Had a strange after effect, that tea.

Sirius, after drinking it, had the vague suspicion that his spleen had gone missing for days.

He had to forgive Remus, though. After all, if there was anything Remus did exceptionally well, it was make a good cup of eucalyptus honey mango kiwi chamomile ylang ylang# sugar French vanilla paprika lemon tea#. That, and Sirius was considered to be borderline retarded when it came to the matter of operating muggle kitchen appliances. In fact, he was considered to be brain-dead when in the presence of any muggle appliance what so ever. And Remus had banned him from touching any instrument that could damage him or his health. That meant nearly every device in the house sans the shower and the toothbrushes were off-limits.

He still wondered what was in the tea, though. Seemed somewhat suspicious.

_They're aphrodisiacs, you great prat._ Said the Voice testily.

Sirius smirked. "And I should believe you why?"

_You'll know soon enough, you dim-witted git._

From the other side of the table, Remus blinked, hands folded around his cup, eyebrows raised.

"Sirius, are you talking to yourself?"

_****_

_**Remus' Point Of View**_

Remus J. Lupin was seriously wondering if lacing the tea with aphrodisiacs was the best idea he'd ever had. Well... technically it wasn't, because in his seventh year at Hogwarts, he was able to solve the entire Quantum Theory by using just a simple equation using integers and some strangely shaped symbols.

But, honestly, he was still wondering.

_**Sirius' Point Of View**_

Sirius looked up. "No, Rem, absolutely not."

He noticed that Remus was still eyeing him strangely.

Now, there was a long pause in which no one took a single sip of their tea.

Finally, Remus smiled sweetly. "Darling, go ahead and drink your tea. I spent thirty minutes making it for you."

There was something odd about that smile, Sirius thought, something he didn't see in Remus often. It was more so something that he'd expect from himself.

Oh, no. There was no possible way he was going to drink that tea.

Unless, of course, there were certain persuasion involved. Obviously, Sirius Black was a man who never passed up a good offer. Unless Remus threatened to beat him over the head with a chair leg. His head hurt nostalgically at the memory of that one incident at the market place.

Sirius sighed internally. Damn super markets, always parading around their raw chickens like little stuffed and plucked prostitutes. He couldn't resist. Bah.

Sirius returned Remus' smile. "Oh, Remus, but I'd be delighted if you'd please take the first little drink."

He could see Remus' smile growing tense. "Oh, but no, I'd much rather you tasted it, after all, I made it specifically for you."

"Really, I'm flattered, but I'd prefer that you taste your own creation." Sirius was now grinning wildly, showing off his pearly whites. He spoke through his teeth.

Remus finally took a forced sip from his cup.

Sirius watched warily.

His eyes widened as he saw Remus take another sip.

(5 minutes later)

Remus had almost drained his cup of its dark contents and Sirius still sat there, dumb with wonderment.

"Sirius, darling, drink your tea now." There was a semi-long pause and Remus continued. "Siri-darling, it's your favorite... you know..." He said coaxingly. "You remember how much you love eucalyptus honey mango kiwi chamomile ylang ylang sugar French vanilla paprika lemon Jesus-Christ-how-many-more-ungodly-susbtances-can-be-in-this-beverage tea."

_With just a hint of aphrodisiac_, sniggered the voice.

Sirius shrugged it off.

The aroma of the tea was getting to him, though. He could smell its seductively sweet scent wafting up into his nostrils, tickling his brain wantonly. He had to keep strong.

But the fragrance called to him.

It bloody _beckoned_ him.

Well, damn. He'll drink the bloody tea.

The downed the cup in one gulp.

He saw Remus smile from behind the rim of his own cup.

He began to let his mind wander...

Remus had such a lovely smile...

With those sexy little eye-teeth popping out like vampire fangs...

Wait... just a moment ago he was thinking about... well, now he didn't really remember what he was thinking about, really... what he really wanted to do was pounce on Remus from across the table and...

_Really, the after-affect of an aphrodisiac_, said The Voice. But Sirius wasn't listening to the voice anymore.

Instead his eyes were drifting over to the small brown paper bag that lay at his feet.

He smiles. "By the way, lovely, I bought you a little something at the marketplace just before I came home..."

_**Remus' Point Of View**_

Remus stared at the chocolate. Damned aphrodisiac was doing something to him...

"You... bought chocolate... for me?" The words stumbled out of his mouth as he felt the blood rush into his cheeks and he reached up sluggishly to loosen his collar.

Sirius leaned across the table to kiss him on the cheek. "Yes, dear. Though you might _enjoy_ it."

Oh, God, the _emphasis_ he put on that damned word. Remus squirmed a little.

He breathed in deeply.

Chocolate.

Tea laced with aphrodisiacs.

Oh, Merlin.

He couldn't contain it any longer.

He swallowed. Hard.

"Sirius. Chocolate. Clothes. Off. Bedroom. NOW."

He yanked Sirius out of his chair by the front of his shirt and dragged him out of the kitchen.

# Note that ylang ylang is found on the labels of shampoo bottles.

## With a slight sprinkling of sexual stimulants.

* * *

Mmmmm. Yes. I feel a good shag coming on. Or maybe not. The plot calls for thickening, as a reviewer told me! The wheels in my brain are turning...

-The Absynth Fairy


	7. Sticks And Stones May Break My Bones, Bu...

**A/N**: Gee... one chapter after another. I'm on a roll. But I can't dawdle around with no plot. I need ideas. Eeee. Help and I shall reward you with pie! (Or maybe a nice sex scene... Sirius/Remus/Legolas...)

**Disclaimer**: Is there really any need for a disclaimer now?

**WARNING: AW, FUCK IT.**

_Dedicated to: My sweet lil' reviewers. Tee hee._

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**Chapter #7: Sticks And Stones May Break My Bones... But Whips And Chains Excite Me**

Blocks away from the no doubt busy Black Lupin residence, in the Potter household, sat Lily, calmly perched in her padded rocking chair beside James.

She had been knitting for no other reason but instinct for the better half of an hour, but knitting, she assumed, was something all pregnant women did on impulse.

Absentmindedly, she glanced up at the over-large clock on the wall. It was already a good clock, with their names on it and everything, but James had recently bewitched it to display Remus, Sirius, and Peter's actions as well.

The clock read:

James Potter: Reading Newspaper.

Lily Potter: Knitting On Impulse.

Harry Potter: In Womb.

Peter Pettigrew: Involved In Suspicious Activities. (Lily imagined that Peter was now violating his soybean diet)

She quickly noticed that the hands that were labeled Sirius Black and Remus Lupin were both pointing at "Involved In Activities That could Be Illegal In Several States And Provinces"

At this Lily smiled knowingly.

Now, Sirius didn't mind being dragged out of the kitchen by the front of his shirt. And he most certainly didn't have a problem with being flung onto the bed and mounted like a racehorse. Nor did he mind getting his clothes ripped off. All of that was absolutely fine.

Getting handcuffed to the bed, however, was not.

Not that he was complaining, by all means, Sirius was an optimist, and loved to try new things.

But it was just a tad bit strange.

And a tad bit... unnatural.

He sighed.

Getting handcuffed to the bed just wasn't the same without whips and chains.

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Yes, yes, yes. Very short, I know. But I'm running low on inspiration, and this was written during a seventh hour Civics lecture. Inspiration...

-The Absynth Fairy


	8. Finally, Clamax

**A/N**: So this is the end of the fun-filled ride that is Midlife Crisis. We all had fun didn't we? I know you're sad. No, don't cry. It's okay. No, you're not stupid. Hey, I never said that! Don't bring that up, please. Put that razor blade down, right now!

Now doesn't that feel better? I have good news for you. There's going to be a Midlife Crisis 2 pretty soon! Yay! And I have one clue for you: Marriage counseling.

Ooh, I'll have fun with this one.

_This is dedicated to all of my reviewers, and I'm sorry about this, but don't expect a mind-blowing shag in this chapter. That'll happen in Midlife 2._

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**Chapter# 8: Finally, Climax.**

Remus J. Lupin was not presently involved in anything dirty, or anything particularly illegal in any states or provinces.

No, he was just at the market place. No particularly dirty or illegal thoughts were running through his head. He was presently thinking about which roast to make for supper, how many carrots he should buy, and why the wheels on shopping carts never worked right.

Yes, life for Remus and Sirius had pretty much gone back to normal. Except for the fact that there was now a nice little (Or humongous) hole in their bedroom wall caused by their previous activities. But, more importantly, no more mid-life crisis for Sirius. No more tea laced with aphrodisiacs. No more chocolate.

Alright, alright, so he kept the aphrodisiac-laden tea, and the chocolate, but the mid-life crisis just had to go. After all, tea, aphrodisiacs and chocolate (Only when put together of course) never did any harm.

Now they were back to doing normal couple things. Things like shopping together, little afternoon strolls together#, cuddling on the sofa together, and acting sickeningly adorable in public... together, of course. Vomit-inducing cuteness (which was their specialty) is, after all, a team effort.

Everything was picture perfect, now, and Remus was very happy with it, thank you very much. But he wasn't really altogether sure about the sick and twisted sex, though.

It was quite fun.

Remus turned the corner and wheeled his basket into the canned-foods isle. He was thinking about olives, which are normally found in jars, but do to the late wonkiness of grocery stores trying to "conserve" space, the jars were inexplicably mixed with the canned foods. Remus frowned.

He'd had olives knowing at the back of his mind since he'd first left his doorstep.

In fact... he reached for a particularly pretty olive jar on one of the isle shelves... In fact, he'd been too preoccupied with olives, he'd forgotten to do one thing.

The jar fell out of his hand and shattered to bits of vinegar soaked shards of glass on the linoleum supermarket floor.

He'd forgotten to untie Sirius.

* * *

Sorry about the wait, guys! I've been distracted by Rufus Wainwright and pretty drag-queens! Forgive me, my little lambs!

Hugs, Kisses, and other sweet things,

The Absynth Fairy

P.S.: Keep a look out for Mid-Life Crisis 2!


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